Saturday, December 24, 2005

I'm merry as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore!

'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the set
Nobody was leaving early, that's a sure bet
The football game went longer than was thought
But the news must go on, the commercials were bought

The anchor in his chair, the weatherman at the wall
With the reporter waiting for her live shot at the mall
The producer at his desk and the director at the switcher
Were thinking of ways to finish the newscast quicker

When out in the newsroom, there arose such a clatter
Even the news director jumped up to see what was the matter
And to the newsroom I ran on my way
The photog in tow, because he wasn't going to stay

The camera lights flashed on, one in a row
Tripods set high to look at those below
When, what, to our focused lenses should appear
But a bright red sleigh, and eight giant reindeer

When we saw the driver, we knew we had a scoop
"Holy shit it's St. Nick! Now shoot, photog, shoot!"
More rapid than a deadline, the news director came
"This is breaking news," he said, "Cut into the game!"

Now anchor! Now reporter! Now producer and director!
On photogs! On writers! On assignment editor!
To the top of the newscast! To the opening scene!
Breaking news! Breaking news! All over the screen!

As reporters do when they hear of the large fires
The mics flew out, the new ones that don't have any wires
So up to the cameras and lights we hoped he would walk
For this live shot would suck if he did not talk

As the anchor adlibbed his hastily-written script
The production crew laughed over every word he tripped
As the anchor cleared his throat and looked all around
St. Nick showed up, "Now put that EXCLUSIVE tag down!"

He was dressed in red, from his head to his feet
Approaching the cameras and viewers he would greet
A script in his hand from which he would talk
A story much easier than last night's perp walk

His eyes, how they squinted, under our blinding light
"You guys can turn those things down a little, right?"
His cheeks plumped up with the largest of a smile
Which would disappear, had he worked here for a while

The stack of papers he held in his hand
Would actually change our happy newsgathering land
"I'm from the head office, and there's going to be changes,
starting off with every one of your salary ranges"

Corporate had just lost a whole lot of cash
So St. Nick said, "The budget we shall now slash"
Operating expenses were just cut by a third
"No bonuses, no raises!" were going to be the word

Consultants would soon arrive to survey the matter
Their effects, we were told, would be just a smatter
And handing the papers onto our boss
Which spoke of everything that would be a loss

St. Nick sprang to his sleigh, with his announcement made
Out the door he went, his image quickly did fade
And as we all stood there, our news director made everything right
"Screw those stupid assholes," he said, "I'm giving you all off tonight!"


Hope your Christmas is filled with the people you love and the presents you don't have to return to the store.

Merry Christmas!
-- HB


Anonymous Anonymous said...

This yule tide cheer sounds all too familiar. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

9:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You forgot the connection between the holiday bonuses and the consultants. The bonuses don't exist per se, they just get forwarded on to the consultants.

Who tell you little more than to remember to talk along side the microphone (and not directly into it when cutting audio), and what colors not to wear when buying your own wardrobe.

Happy New Year all!

12:39 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thing is, you don't like it, what do you do? There's 50 people in line for your job. Maybe vo-tech would have been smarter. Plumbers get what, 85 dollars an hour?

11:29 PM  

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